The Importance of “Family” at Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve, I’m surrounded by family that loves and supports my husband and me...and yet I find myself feeling melancholy despite all the reasons to feel happy.  Don’t get me wrong, being with people I haven’t seen in several months is uplifting and knowing that I’ve been missed warms my heart - but ever since I became an adult, I’ve always felt that something was missing during the actual Christmas holidays.

It shouldn’t be surprising that I feel this way, given that Andy and I rarely get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas in the comfort of our own home.  We are childless and so there is an expectation that we will visit our families rather than stay home because travel is much easier for us.  Neither of us is ever upset by this; it’s just what we do.  But it isn’t home that I miss (though having my two cats with me right now would be a comfort), as I felt this same sense of melancholy even when we spent Christmas at home in 2016.

So what was missing then?  Family obviously, yet I think that very word “family” oversimplifies the concept.  After all, what is family?  I don’t think anyone can argue that family includes those people we are related to by blood or marriage.  However, like many people in my generation, I have a group of close friends whom I consider to be chosen family.  They are the people I spend time with, confide in, laugh, cry, and live life with while my related family resides elsewhere.  They are the ones I love so dearly that when they aren’t around, it leaves a significant hole in my heart.  So indeed, while I was missing my family of relatives in 2016, I think I was also missing my family of close friends.  That missing piece of friends at Christmas, I think, leads to a lot of indirect sadness for me and I often wonder if others like me feel the same.

You would think that this problem would be easily remedied in 2018 with social media, smart phones, texting, Skype, FaceTime, etc...but it doesn’t often work that way.  Many of my friends go off to visit their own families so they are often unavailable due to those obligations, plus it’s difficult to find the time to reach out once these visits start.  There are scheduled events with family, impromptu outings, meals, gift giving sessions, visits to church, and various other activities that focus heavily on related family time.  Often when one has a free moment during this marathon, it’s enough time to send a quick text or make a short social media post before rejoining the festivities.

Luckily this absence of chosen family is only for the time leading up to Christmas Day right?  Wrong.  The two weeks that encompass Christmas and New Year’s are two of the busiest weeks of the year for many people.  You might have to travel to see two sets of family like my sister and I do, or maybe you take a long vacation to visit with family you rarely see.  Or perhaps you come right back but immediately go back to work.  New Year’s Eve ought to offer a suitable reunion for chosen family, but different people have different traditions and regular plans and they don’t often align.  So yes, I can always count on a week and a half to two weeks of missing my chosen family at the holidays due to the reality of the holidays.  Is it any wonder I feel blue?

I wish there was a way to have my related family and my chosen family together during the holidays, but like asking Santa for a pony, it’s an ultimately impossible wish.  So every year, around December 21st, I try to ready myself for the separation from my chosen family as I join my related family.  It’s always bittersweet, because while I’m getting a major endorphin boost from hugging my nieces or my nephew or hearing that I’ve “lost weight” from my mother-in-law, I’m also getting pulled back down by missing my chorus buddies, my best friend from Chillicothe, and my best bud from Columbus.


I guess these feelings are as much an integral part if the holidays as the joyous ones.  So this year, between the presents, the travel, the meals, and the group pictures, I’m going to make sure I’m staying in touch with my chosen family and making sure they know how much I love them.  After all, what better time is there than Christmas for that?

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