What Do You Do When You Feel Sad?

I enjoy re-watching favorite TV shows I happen to own on DVD from time to time - and before

you scoff, plenty of people own a season or two of something on disc still, streaming services

haven’t yet gifted us with unlimited choices on what to watch - and as I was watching an early

episode of The Simpsons this month, something about it struck a chord with me.  In the little

remembered season one episode called “Moaning Lisa”, Lisa finds herself dealing with an

unclassifiable sadness. The episode spends a great deal of time focusing on Marge and Homer

both trying to cure her of her sadness, Marge specifically. Marge remembers her own experience as

a child being told by her mother that she should be happy for the benefit of the people around her

and passes on that advice to Lisa and thinks the problem is solved until she sees what the

repression of that sadness does to her daughter.  Lisa immediately attracts two male classmates

who proceed to try to take advantage of her booksmarts and forced amiable nature. It is here where

Marge recants and tells Lisa that not only is it alright for her to feel sad, but that she should embrace

that sadness. This wraps up the story in typical sitcom fashion since now that Lisa has been told

that her sadness isn’t a problem, she doesn’t feel it anymore. A similar theme is explored in the

2015 film Inside Out where the lead inner emotions of protagonist Riley have to allow Riley to feel

the Sadness that Joy has been actively repressing for the duration of the narrative.

As I think about these stories and their dealing with sadness, or depression if you’d prefer, it

makes me wonder what we do in our own lives when we feel sad.  I’ve seen people champion these

stories and their messages as important lessons on how we need sadness to function...but so often I

still see friends and family members try to hide their sadness when they are feeling it because they

don’t think people will care or because they don’t think their own sadness is important enough to

mention.  I am often guilty of this as well. In my own life, I spend a good deal of my time acting

(impersonating?) as a stable adult who has his shit together. I have a lot to be thankful for: a

husband who adores me, a beautiful home, floofy cat kids who won’t leave my lap alone, close

friends, and gainful employment are among the top items on this list.  Yet still, I get sad - a lot.

What’s more, I get sad a lot for different reasons. Disclaimer: I am not meaning to equate sadness

with clinical depression in this sense. Clinical depression is a real disorder and one that is not

simply someone feeling sad for a day or a short time and should be treated with seriousness and

respect. I do not suffer from depression in this form so I can only speak on my own low-level

sadness.  That said, I feel that sadness is something we need to talk more about because, it is often

at the root of those things that are adversely affecting our mental health.

When I feel sad, I’m inconsistent with how I deal with it.  Sometimes I’m really good about

opening up and talking about it with my husband and close friends and they often help me to feel

better about what I’m going through.  However, that’s usually only the first time I feel sad about

something. That’s the funny thing about sadness - sometimes you can feel better about something

for a while and then lapse back into a funk about it if something strikes you the right way.  When that

happens, I tend to be less open with those I’ve confided in. I often feel like if I’ve shared something

with a person, that I shouldn’t share the same things again. As irrational as it sounds, I don’t feel

right burdening people with my sadness more than one time.  This actually highlights problem one

with my own sadness coping and, I assume, with others - the assumption that our sadness is

perceived as a burden by those who love us. If pop culture (and sure, fine, real life too) has taught

us anything, it is that sadness is one of the things that brings those who care about us to our aid

when we need them the most.  So why do we feel like a burden when we are sad a second time.

Possibly because, we are used to seeing sadness resolved in pop culture after one outpouring of

emotion. Once characters have dealt with their sadness, they never have to deal with it again.

However, in real life we often are revisited by our sadness and it can make us feel weak or like we

have somehow ‘failed’ at good mental health by not exorcising those bad feelings.  It probably

doesn’t help that good-natured people, like me, are also not bad about reliving a person’s sadness

when the same problem pops up again. I like to think of myself as a good friend, but sometimes

even I get mentally exhausted by the re-occurance of sadness in my own friends. It’s something I

struggle with and something I have to actively remind myself to not do. Life is not a sitcom and all of

our problems are never resolved in the space of 30 minutes.  The other thing we must do better

when we are hearing the sadness of someone else is this: we have to stop thinking that because

someone shares a sadness with us that it is our responsibility to somehow fix it. This may come as

a shock, but just because we all feel emotions doesn’t mean we all know how to help other people

with their unique troubles. Too often we offer advice without knowing a whole situation, tell people

that “everything will be ok,” or even worse, tell people to simply cheer up.  It’s not our job to fix the

people who share their sadness with us...because those people aren’t broken.

Sadness also tends to worsen based on how well we can deal with feelings of weakness and

inadequacy in the face of it.  We get a lot of socialization around sadness as we age and grow and

one of the prevailing ideas around sadness is one of intense resilience.  “Put your big boy pants on,”

and “Man up,” are some of the ways in which sadness is actively repressed in young men as they

age (#toxicmasculinity); similarly we see young women being told to, “smile more” and to “learn to

deal with disappointment” - I don’t have a toxic femininity hashtag but I think there should be one.

 As well meaning as some of these quotes may be, they do teach a distorted lesson to the young

mind. We don’t hear, “everyone gets sad and that’s ok, but I still need you to pull yourself together

and be in the world” which is often the intent. Instead we hear, “adults don’t get sad and you are

becoming one, so get rid of those feelings.”  No one means to actively teach us to repress our

sadness; but it does happen. As a high school teacher, I even did it myself (refer back to the earlier

passage where; when confronted with the same sadness from someone else again - I get mentally

exhausted). I’ve often given the advice that “you need to leave that drama at the door” and “we all

have to do our part even when we don’t feel like it” - and those words are true, but they aren’t

enough to convey what I really mean.  Our feelings are valid and we are allowed to feel them - but

we also have to learn the coping skills to help us to keep going even when we feel like dirt. It’s too

bad that so many of us used repression as a coping skill rather than communication.

We need to remind ourselves that when we feel sadness it is a normal part of being alive, being in the world, and having empathy towards that world and the people in it.  It is not weakness, it is not

“failing to adult”, and it is not abnormal or a sign that you have a serious mental problem. Sadness

is normal and it is something we feel more as we age, not less, because of our ability to critically

think.  Look at the world around you and ask yourself whether or not it makes you feel sad. We don’t

live in a perfect world and there are a lot of problems in it. You should feel sad about it and you

should express that you feel sad about it. Look at your own life.  Are there things you wish were

different or better? Of course there are - and it is ok to be sad about it. Moreso, it is ok to be sad to

other people. Talk to the people you trust about your sadness, and talk to them multiple times. Let

that sadness have a voice so that you can let it go.  When people share their sadness with you,

remember that you don’t have to fix them or make them feel better - all you need to do is listen so

that they feel their sadness is not abnormal. Above all - don’t avoid sadness in yourself or in other

people. The better we are at engaging in sadness as we should, the better our collective mental

health will be.