Duality: Who We Think We Are and Who Other People Think We Are
A few weeks ago, I got to experience something that always manages to shake my confidence in myself. You see, the chorus I sing in always throws a cast party to celebrate the show and to give us a chance to watch a video of the performance. Watching the performance is one of my favorite parts of the cast party because when you’re a part of a show it can be very difficult to appreciate the whole. You can’t see yourself, you can’t see how all the pieces fit together, and you can’t appreciate the finished product in the same way that the audience can. So it is great to see it all together and to get an idea of what it was like for the live audience. However, I spend a lot of the viewing watching myself and how I move. Confession time: I really hate watching myself. I do not enjoy seeing moves that I thought were very precise and focused turn into vague and sluggish hand gestures on the video. I don’t love watching my face and being surprised when an expression I thought was moving and emotional turns into me closing my eyes for what seems like two minutes. I really dislike how costumes I chose carefully because of how good I thought I looked in them suddenly become saggy and misshapen around all my good features and excruciatingly tight around my spare tire, love handles, and lower than average pectorals (basically my torso is a train wreck). Yet, the same chorus members who watch the video with me always compliment me on my performance and how I look. They don’t see the flaws I focus on, or if they do, they are not important enough to notice or mention.
Conversely, I like to think of myself as a pretty good person and a fairly thoughtful and caring friend. However, sometimes when someone shares their perspective of my behavior towards them, I realize that I’m not always so caring and thoughtful. In fact, when I see myself through the eyes of friends sometimes I realize I can be a real bitch. I may not have meant to be one, but it happened all the same. That same week I got to experience this fairly intensely with a close friend of mine. I thought I was just joking around and just teasing when we were hanging out when in fact I was saying things that cut deep. I know I’ve had this happen with my husband too, and it’s times like these that I am actually glad I have people in my life who aren’t afraid to be honest with me when I’m being terrible. They are the mirrors who show me when I’m at my best and when I’m not.
This duality of who we think we are and who people think we are is an inescapable truth of life because even the people who know us the best can’t possibly know everything we think and feel inside. We have a unique perspective when we act out towards our loved ones because we are aware of all of our inner thoughts and motivations. Our loves ones can’t have access to that (unless one of them is a mind reader) and have only our behaviors to evaluate, and when our behaviors are less than desirable we can’t help but hurt the people we love. It’s with this in mind that I watched two of my favorite childhood films about duality and the face we present to the world, Mrs. Doubtfire and Tootsie.
In both films you see a male protagonist who finds himself posing as a woman to achieve an end goal and having to be completely committed to the persona of the woman he is attempting to embody. In both cases as well, you have a protagonist who is known to be a difficult actor, unhireable, and lacks perspective on how his actions affect himself and the people around him. They are the characters we root for, but in both cases when the films start these men are rather terrible people. They are selfish, self-centered, and can’t understand why the world has these problems with them. Obviously, since we can see their pathos as well as their bad behavior on account of that pathos, we as the audience have an easier time sympathizing with them. However, we can also understand why Sally Field would want a divorce from Robin Williams after he invites a petting zoo into their home or why Dustin Hoffman can’t get a job in NYC because he simply can’t keep his mouth from shooting off at the people who have positions of power over him. Neither man would ever think to ask the people they are hurting why they are so upset either, because they believe their actions are justifiable and so therefore these other people must be overreacting. It isn’t until both men put themselves behind the mask of a female character and must restrain themselves within the confines of that character that they start to realize where they may have gone wrong and begin to use that information for self-improvement.
A key “mirror” moment in Mrs. Doubtfire comes when Miranda (Sally Field) is explaining to Daniel (Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire mode) what was wrong with her marriage. She does so in a way that highlights her ex-husband’s ability to make fun as a strength but also explains to him how his desire for fun at all costs was ultimately destructive. Daniel, because he is Mrs. Doubtfire in this moment, is forced to actually listen to his ex-wife rather than to argue and be contrary. It’s here he finally sees himself through her eyes and from her side and begins to feel remorse. It’s a turning point for the character (among many) where he learns to improve himself and see where he can be a better person. It’s also a key moment, I think, where he realizes that he and his ex-wife probably shouldn’t be together if they want the best for their children.
In Tootsie there are several times when Michael (Dustin Hoffman) realizes that needing to keep his temper under control while playing his alter ego Dorothy is essential to keeping his disguise safe, and in doing so he learns to stop and think before speaking and doing damage to his career. However, one of his better “mirror” moments is when he has a confrontation as Dorothy with director Ron (Dabney Coleman) over how Ron treats Julie (Jessica Lange) who co-stars with Dorothy on the soap opera and who Michael has developed feelings for. Ron then explains his reasonings for lying to Julie about the other women he sees and Michael is forced to acknowledge that, not only has he used the same justification on his friend and recent lover Sandy (Teri Garr), but that it is a very convenient line of thinking for the man that allows him to absolve himself of any wrongdoing in the deception. Michael has to face the fact that he’s been a bad friend and that his reasoning, like Ron’s, is complete and utter bullshit.
Clearly, a more thorough analysis on duality would do more justice to these films than they have gotten from my rushed and hackneyed examination, but I do feel as though this example of foil characters acting as mirrors to reflect undesirable behavior back at the protagonists is not often examined enough when we talk about them in these types of films. It did strike me quite obviously this time watching them though, because I had been thinking about who I think I am and who other people think I am. Even when I don’t like what I see, I’m grateful for those people in my life who can reflect back to me the way I am when I am with them. I can’t improve as a person without being able to see my faults though their eyes. I also can’t appreciate what’s good about me until I see what other people think is good about me through their eyes (and even still, my insecurities will probably make me doubt it). It turns out, I’m both the person I think I am and the person other people think I am - and I need to keep working to make sure that both people can be the same “me”.
Conversely, I like to think of myself as a pretty good person and a fairly thoughtful and caring friend. However, sometimes when someone shares their perspective of my behavior towards them, I realize that I’m not always so caring and thoughtful. In fact, when I see myself through the eyes of friends sometimes I realize I can be a real bitch. I may not have meant to be one, but it happened all the same. That same week I got to experience this fairly intensely with a close friend of mine. I thought I was just joking around and just teasing when we were hanging out when in fact I was saying things that cut deep. I know I’ve had this happen with my husband too, and it’s times like these that I am actually glad I have people in my life who aren’t afraid to be honest with me when I’m being terrible. They are the mirrors who show me when I’m at my best and when I’m not.
This duality of who we think we are and who people think we are is an inescapable truth of life because even the people who know us the best can’t possibly know everything we think and feel inside. We have a unique perspective when we act out towards our loved ones because we are aware of all of our inner thoughts and motivations. Our loves ones can’t have access to that (unless one of them is a mind reader) and have only our behaviors to evaluate, and when our behaviors are less than desirable we can’t help but hurt the people we love. It’s with this in mind that I watched two of my favorite childhood films about duality and the face we present to the world, Mrs. Doubtfire and Tootsie.
In both films you see a male protagonist who finds himself posing as a woman to achieve an end goal and having to be completely committed to the persona of the woman he is attempting to embody. In both cases as well, you have a protagonist who is known to be a difficult actor, unhireable, and lacks perspective on how his actions affect himself and the people around him. They are the characters we root for, but in both cases when the films start these men are rather terrible people. They are selfish, self-centered, and can’t understand why the world has these problems with them. Obviously, since we can see their pathos as well as their bad behavior on account of that pathos, we as the audience have an easier time sympathizing with them. However, we can also understand why Sally Field would want a divorce from Robin Williams after he invites a petting zoo into their home or why Dustin Hoffman can’t get a job in NYC because he simply can’t keep his mouth from shooting off at the people who have positions of power over him. Neither man would ever think to ask the people they are hurting why they are so upset either, because they believe their actions are justifiable and so therefore these other people must be overreacting. It isn’t until both men put themselves behind the mask of a female character and must restrain themselves within the confines of that character that they start to realize where they may have gone wrong and begin to use that information for self-improvement.
A key “mirror” moment in Mrs. Doubtfire comes when Miranda (Sally Field) is explaining to Daniel (Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire mode) what was wrong with her marriage. She does so in a way that highlights her ex-husband’s ability to make fun as a strength but also explains to him how his desire for fun at all costs was ultimately destructive. Daniel, because he is Mrs. Doubtfire in this moment, is forced to actually listen to his ex-wife rather than to argue and be contrary. It’s here he finally sees himself through her eyes and from her side and begins to feel remorse. It’s a turning point for the character (among many) where he learns to improve himself and see where he can be a better person. It’s also a key moment, I think, where he realizes that he and his ex-wife probably shouldn’t be together if they want the best for their children.
In Tootsie there are several times when Michael (Dustin Hoffman) realizes that needing to keep his temper under control while playing his alter ego Dorothy is essential to keeping his disguise safe, and in doing so he learns to stop and think before speaking and doing damage to his career. However, one of his better “mirror” moments is when he has a confrontation as Dorothy with director Ron (Dabney Coleman) over how Ron treats Julie (Jessica Lange) who co-stars with Dorothy on the soap opera and who Michael has developed feelings for. Ron then explains his reasonings for lying to Julie about the other women he sees and Michael is forced to acknowledge that, not only has he used the same justification on his friend and recent lover Sandy (Teri Garr), but that it is a very convenient line of thinking for the man that allows him to absolve himself of any wrongdoing in the deception. Michael has to face the fact that he’s been a bad friend and that his reasoning, like Ron’s, is complete and utter bullshit.
Clearly, a more thorough analysis on duality would do more justice to these films than they have gotten from my rushed and hackneyed examination, but I do feel as though this example of foil characters acting as mirrors to reflect undesirable behavior back at the protagonists is not often examined enough when we talk about them in these types of films. It did strike me quite obviously this time watching them though, because I had been thinking about who I think I am and who other people think I am. Even when I don’t like what I see, I’m grateful for those people in my life who can reflect back to me the way I am when I am with them. I can’t improve as a person without being able to see my faults though their eyes. I also can’t appreciate what’s good about me until I see what other people think is good about me through their eyes (and even still, my insecurities will probably make me doubt it). It turns out, I’m both the person I think I am and the person other people think I am - and I need to keep working to make sure that both people can be the same “me”.
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