Or maybe you can't. Did I mention recently that on Friday night (the 13th no less) I dropped my cell phone in the kitchen sink? Well, I did and it died poor thing...she was so young and beautiful. Of course, after a suitable mourning period and a brief attempt at resurrection by burying the phone in a box of minute rice (I won't lie, I actually did have visions of my phone rising from death after the rice burial in the manner of Jesus Christ or a phoenix rising from the ashes...I know I would have sung hallelujah) I called the AT&T phone insurance replacement line. I was told that I would receive the phone as soon as possible. That was Saturday...it is now Wednesday and I still have no means of telephone conversation outside of my desk phone at school. I decided against getting a land line as the cellular phone would be more convenient and less hassle in the long run. Of course, that means I'm cut off from the world. I don't know who's tried to call or if there are any messages. I have a dentist appointment this afternoon after school and I'm really hoping that they haven't tried to call and cancel me.
Oh, I've been rambling on and you're still wondering why I don't have a phone. Well, the good people at AT&T were kind enough to wait until Monday to process the request as opposed to processing it on Saturday (that must be a lot to ask of FedEX) and so the phone was not shipped until Monday evening. I expected to get it by the time I arrived home from school yesterday...how wrong I was. Due to the nature of security surrounding replacement cellular phones, FedEX cannot leave the box on my stoop to wait for me till I get home. I understand this, I really do, but what I don't understand is why they didn't enquire at the main office as to whether or not they could leave it there until I returned home. The Chillicothe FedEX men know to do this, because I had a package left there for me once. But since FedEX routed my package through Columbus and not through the Chillicothe package center, the Columbus driver must not have known this...so he drove the package back to Columbus....not to the Chillicothe shipping facilty...Columbus, people. All I received was a door hanger telling me that the package had not been delivered due to security reasons and sent back to the distribution center. I had no number to call, no work on where to possibly pick it up, nothing. I was fit to kill. Ok, so I could have put a note on my door...but I didn't know I had to. Previous FedEX men had always known to leave unclaimed packages at the front office for people who were not home to get them...and I assumed if they didn't leave it there that I would be able to pick it up from a nearby processing center. I would have even been happy to drive all the way to fucking Columbus just to have it finally if they had told me which center it was at (did you know there are at least 50 possible FedEX locations in Columbus?) but instead I had to wait another 24 hours. So now there is a note on my door...and no indication from the FedEX website that the phone has moved out on any sort of truck today (as of 7am it was just sitting there)...
Now I must breathe...on the upside of things I got all my bills and Xmas shopping done for the month with an attractive sum left over to save for next month (and to finally start paying back Miss J, who was kind enough to lend me start-up money) and I graded all my Caesar tests last night well before bed. The downside of Caesar is that I'll have Act III tests to grade over the weekend. Teaching is a real full time job, not the kind of full time job you get to leave at the office when you go home. Oh, and I treated myself yesterday as well...I bought Star Trek (2009)...easily my favorite film of the summer.
Speaking of films, I thought I would talk about one of my favorite lesser known musicals from the early 1980s. In a time when musicals were no longer financially successful on film and studios were more interested in Star Wars-like science fiction or Halloween-like slashers, Colin Higgins brought one of the best titled shows of Broadway to the big screen with Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton along for the ride. Yes friends, I'm talking about The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Whorehouse you say? Isn't that a little crude? Well, of course it is! But its crude for the purpose of being attention getting. You pay attention when someone says 'blowjob', 'tits', 'vibrator', or 'whorehouse' because these words are so crude that they are...dare I say it...fascinating to us? Our society is so puritanical about sex, even today when we have shows like Sex and the City and Queer as Folk...but those shows still treat sex as a shock value kind of thing rather than with the kind of mirthful indifference of the European people (for whom sex is just a part of life like breathing). The truth about Whorehouse is that it is actually a very warm and satirical look at how society looks at sex and prostitution with very little smut (however don't show it to your kids...its rated R for a reason folks) and will make you laugh and tap your toes to the wonderful country tunes. The story is very simple...for about 100 years a brothel called The Chicken Ranch (I won't explain the name, its too funny, you just have to see it) has operated and been tolerated by a nearby small town in Texas and Miss Mona (Parton), the madam, has been accepted by the town and even has a relationship with Sheriff Dodd (Reynolds). However, a television scandal monger (Dom De Luise) has learned of it and is broadcasting it with outrage over the air waves and suddenly people are wondering if maybe the Chicken Ranch should be torn down. I can't say much more because it ruins the fun, but I highly recommend it as one of the lesser seen comic gems of the early 80s. Enjoy the trailer (which is a video trailer and not the full theatrical)!